The Unexpected
by Ghost King's Queen
Summary: SORRY THIS IS NOT A HARRY POTTER STORY. My grandma just passed away and I just had to write this out for my self. Please no flames.
1. Chapter 1

**Please no flames, this is just something I wrote to get out my emotions. My grandmother, who I loved so very much was diagnosed with throat cancer last April. The doctors say it was bad luck that she got is since usually smokers get it. She was in all honestly the kindest, least judgmental, unbias, smart person ever. Even in her youth she had to overcome adversities and she didn't deserve the pain she went through. She had her voice box removed in effort to stop the cancer. After the surgery things got better. She could breathe from her throat (windpipe and food pipe separated). She would smile and laugh silently. She would mouth words and communicate. She was getting better. Then we found out that the cancer had spread to her chest in November. They said she had one year left. Then in December they said it was only 6 months actually. Her health deteriorated rapidly soon after. She stopped communicating. She was heavily medicated 24/7. She slept most of the time. Whenever she was awake she would be shaking her head at this disastrous life of hers. Then last week, the doctors said that she had a month left….They were wrong. She passed away yesterday. It was unexpected. And I am 100% unprepared. I have never experienced death before and I'm 17. Everything I'm writing is jumbled and probably poorly written but it reflects my thoughts and state of mind. **

I stared at her limp form, lying peacefully on the bed she had be confined to months prior. No more swollen checks, blue lips, or a crease between her brows. Her complex was clear, pale, and smooth. Her warm pink lips were cold to the touch. The soft hand I often spent days rubbing circles on with my thumb was hidden underneath a sheet.

The whole scene was wrong. Where was the hum of her oxygen tank and the layers of blankets over her think but swollen body to keep her warm. What happened to the desks beside her bed that usually carried a multitude of medications or boxes in the corner carrying medical sanitary supplies?

As horrible as the latter scene sounds, I preferred it to a room full of cacophony from grief. Even though she was in pain before, I was never in this much pain staring at her. Her now peaceful appearance wreaks havoc on my being. I feel nothing but torment. My throat constricts painful and tears threaten to fall from my eyes. I hold it all in and flee from the scene.

A day later but not any calmer, I feel a dreadful happiness that she is no longer in pain. She is with her mother, brothers and parents now. She must be laughing in glee with her long black hair (showing no streaks of white). She must be the God she believed in her entire lifetime. She must be able to speak again. She must be watching over me.

However, any and every good memory of her hurts more and more. I feel tormented by what I could have changed. I regret not kissing her swollen cheeks or hugging her the last time I saw her. My eyes sting from unshed tears. My throat is sore from all my silent screaming. My chest is left with a gaping hole that will never be filled.

Maybe time will heal wounds, or maybe this will forever be a scar; but I long for the day that I recall joyful memories of her and smile instead of hiding alone and crying.

**While I wrote whatever I could I feel there is so much more left unsaid. So much more I wish to write and let out about my grief. I want to describe how she was before, I want to talk about how I am feeling forever stuck in what if I did this or that she would have still been here. Alas, I can't, it hurts too much. **

**Thank you anyone who read this. **


	2. The Aftermath

**Another jumbled incomprehensible piece of my thoughts: The Aftermath**

We laid you to rest in a beautiful baby pink casket with an imbedded rose pattern that matched your purple rose pattered and colorfully sequenced beautiful outfit you had chosen to wear for my uncle's most anticipated wedding. I remember the glee on your face after he had been engaged. The happiness we all felt. Soon to be tainted by your sharp minded mother's death. Soon to be trampled over by your diagnosis.

Beautiful white roses, lilies and carnations decorated with soft pink roses. The décor was so elegant, so classy, so soft, and so you. I would have admired the setting, the ornaments and the color if it were not for the knife like pain in my chest. My throat constricted painfully as I held my self composed. A blur of faces passed me and asked if I was okay. How am I to reply? Saying I'm okay is a lie and why spill my thoughts to familiar strangers passing by so instead I would numbly nodded in reply. **(Did not mean for that to rhyme :/) **

Tears spill as I kiss your forehead one last time. As pretty as you looked lying there, I found you far more beautiful in my memories. They took you away then to be cremated. My mother screamed and struggled as others held her back. She screamed for a woman who was not only her mother, but her best friend. The screams and sobs grew deaf to my ears. I felt blind, dumb, and mute. Shocked and shaking I was led here and there by more familiar strangers. I cannot comprehend it today even. How can someone who was less than a month ago alive in my arms; warm, soft and very much alive be gone now? You were alive, I remember you are, you were but how can you be gone now? How could you leave me? I wanted you to see me walk across the stage and graduate this May. You had to see your youngest son get married. Your excitement is present in all the engagement pictures from two years ago. What happened? All these memories and moment so close yet so far. I feel so confused and lost.

I can't think or linger and analyze what happened. If I do the most painful, dreadful, and untreatable ache is present in my chest. It hurts so much that I would give up my very existence for you. Soon everything is meaningless. I look at my remaining grandmother, my father's mother, and miss her even though she is in front of my very eyes. Anytime anyone leaves the house I feel anxiety that we will never meet again. I want to die but I can't miss these remaining moments I have with everyone else.

I am clinging helplessly to the belief that there has to be a heaven. The almighty God you worshiped and loved with every breath of your being cannot be so cruel as to keep me away from my loved ones forever. There has to be a heaven where I can meet you and all those others dear to me who shall inevitably depart. The thought of never is my greatest fear.

**Thank you for reading my incomprehensible thoughts and please no flames, I did not write for critic or reviews I just wrote to get part of a weight off my chest. **


	3. Chapter 3

"Losing her, the only one who's ever known who I am, who I'm not, and who I want to be" – The Fray "You Found me"

Hey Grandma,

How are you doing? I hope it's beautiful, sunny, and clear up there. Here it does nothing but rain. I hope your eternal rest is peaceful because my sleep is nothing but nightmares. I hope you can close your eyes and feel tranquility. I can't.

Today I got my college acceptance letter. It was a University I really didn't want to attend. But I wasted $75 anyways to apply because it was close to where you lived. Remember just last December, I told you that things would get better. That you'd feel better. This illness won't take over. We could spend the weekends going to the mall. That I would drive you to beautiful places you haven't seen. You smiled silently but happily at me and nodded your head.

I am still here, but where are you? How could you leave me when there was so much more to live for? I was and still am selfish. All I did was selfishly take all your unconditional love for me for granted. I wanted to make up for it. I wanted you to see me walk down the stage for graduation and feel proud. I want to feel the warmth of your embrace again. I want to hear your voice on our birthday wishing me a blessed life. I really want you to be here with me.


End file.
